And No we are not pregnant! (But keep reading.. it's exciting news)
I
don't think this comes as a surprise to anyone for us to say that
Justin and I are in fact infertile. Dun Dun Dun... We've been married 6
1/2 years and still don't have a child, I think you've all figured that out. Please don't feel bad for us, we have known for more than half of our marriage and we are in a good place with
it. While I don't feel comfortable going into all the gory details
about our problems to the entire world, it is something that we have
worked through together and has brought us closer.
I
will keep this part short but it needs to be said! During our marriage
we have been asked and told some very rude and mean things. All those
posts and blogs about what not to say to an infertile are very true.
I promise you all:
-Us relaxing will not solve our problem,
-IVF could help us but unless we can find an extra $24,000 + per try that isn't going to happen any time soon,
-Yes I would take your child in a heart beat if you offered it to me (I
think I freaked someone out once when they asked me if I wanted there
baby.. I told them I will gladly take her off your hands. Don't offer it
if you aren't willing to follow through.. Hehehe)
- Even if we stop trying.. It will not happen.
- And YES! I see the importance of having children. (I was asked once why I don't see the importance of having children -_- )
-We have tried and tried and tried and tried and lost lots of money in unsuccessful pregnancy
Ok rant over with!
Now on to the exciting part! Justin and I are officially licensed Foster Parents.
We
hope to one day be able to adopt through foster care, but if that
doesn't happen we are extremely grateful for the opportunity to be a
safe location and parental support to children who are in need. This
decision was not made in haste because we want to have children. This is
a decision that we have discussed for years and we finally feel like we
are in a place financially, emotionally, physically, etc.. to be able to do this!
The
reason I haven't blogged since our cruise is because we have been doing
the training, shopping for the bedroom, and getting everything ready. It has all paid off and everything is finished. While this letter is tailored more towards family, I think it has a lot of great information in it for everyone!
We know that our decision to foster will affect our friends and family as well, and I'm sure many of you have questions, and we are hoping that this blog
will help to answer some of your questions and set us all up for
success in helping these little people through this rocky patch in their
lives.
We’ll
tell you now that we’re sorry this is so long, and we’re sorry it
sounds so bossy. We were trying to keep it as brief as possible, so it
may sound a little “short” in some places. But know that we love you,
and we don’t mean for it to sound “short.” If you have any questions,
please don’t hesitate to ask – we love talking about this stuff!
Otherwise, we’ll let you know as soon as we get our first placement!
Placements to Expect
We are fully licensed as of Tuesday! Yay! We are open to one foster child, ages five through ten years old. We’re open to any gender or race. We could get a call for a placement as of today
or it could be several weeks or even months before we get a call. The
kids could be staying with us anywhere from a few days to several years.
Confidentiality
When we get a placement we will share a few details with you (more details to our family members)
However the family history, reasons for placement, medical status, and
other aspects of the foster children’s lives are confidential and we
will not be able to share these details with you.
Pictures
DCFS
policy is that pictures of foster children may not be posted online. We
won’t be able to post or email pictures of the kids, and we’ll need
your cooperation in not posting pictures that you may take of the kids.
Inclusion in Family & Gift Giving Policy
Other
than confidentiality issues, we will treat these children as members of
our family. We must insist that everyone respect this policy. The
foster children will be treated equally to how our biological children would of been treated, especially when it comes to holidays, birthdays, or other gift-giving occasions. We never expect gifts for any of our children. .
Behavior and Discipline
You
may observe unusual or seemingly alarming behaviors from the foster
children. Accordingly, you may also see us utilizing some unusual
discipline techniques (varying from very easy-going to very strict). We
ask you to remember that we’re working with a team of professionals on a
behavioral and discipline plan tailored to each individual child. If
you have concerns that you feel the need to discuss with us, please
bring them up in private, away from the child. Comments like “Oh, can’t
she just have the ice cream,” when said right in front of the child, can
result in a major setback.
Also,
DCFS law states that ONLY the foster parents are allowed to discipline
the foster child. If you’ll be spending time with the kids, it will be
very important for you to understand and adhere to this policy.
Holidays and Special Events
We
LOVE seeing all of our friends and family for holidays and special
occasions and certainly hope to be able to incorporate our foster
children into these cherished events. However, some foster children may
have difficulty with the stress of large groups, new people, new food,
and higher expectations for behavior. We ask for your patience and
understanding when we may have to miss an event, arrive late, leave
early, or perhaps one parent has to stay home with a foster child.
What Do They Call Us?
Our
foster children will have the option of calling us by our first names
or “mom and dad.” We’ll invite them to address you with the same terms
that our biological children would of used (grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, etc.).
What Do We Call Them?
No
child wants to be known as “the foster kid.” We will refer to any
children in our care as our kids, our son, our daughter. We ask you to
please be sensitive to this, and do not refer to a child or introduce
them as a “foster child,” particularly in that child’s presence. Feel
free to refer to them as you would with our biological children (my
grandchild, niece, nephew, etc.). Or, if that isn’t comfortable for you,
you can refer to them as our child (my brother’s son, my friend’s
daughter, etc.).
About Building Attachments
The
question is sometimes raised with foster care if it isn’t detrimental
to encourage children to become attached to their foster family. In
fact, there was a time about 20 years ago when foster children were
intentionally moved to new foster homes on a regular basis to avoid this
attachment. We now know that learning to build attachments is one of
the most important elements to living a happy and satisfied life. As
children bond with us they gradually learn the joy that comes from
bonding and how to trust safe adults, and it builds their sense of
self-worth. If the child can learn to attach successfully, they can then
repeat that attachment process with others throughout their life. This
is a vital process, even if they are not with us forever.
The challenge is for us to
bond, fearing the pain of losing the relationship when they leave. We
expect that you may have this fear as well, but we ask for you to keep
the children’s best interests in mind, and open your heart to them.
We
cannot wait to get our first placement! We know it will be hard and
challenging, but it will be exciting and worth the wait. Thank you all
for your support and love during this time in our life!
Love,
Justin and Debbie
